…and usually by somebody else. This is a follow up post from last week about why it’s okay to take your fucking time sometimes. I did not write this last week because I was sick of writing back then. So I decided to take my own advice and do it later. Please keep in mind that 93% of every point made in this post is a contradiction of what I said last week. But, need I remind you, last week I addressed this issue of contradictory information when I said something super profound that you should have taken to heart back then but I’ll give you another opportunity to do so now by pretentiously quoting myself:
“The cool thing about being a human is that we get to contradict ourselves. We get to change our minds depending on the moment or the facts at hand. And we get to be right, or not, and fix it later. That’s what’s cool about doing things. It’s also what’s cool about doing things later.”
I’m so glad I wrote that shit last week because now I don’t have to explain it again. Here are some good reasons for doing things later:
1. If what you want to do is important to you, you’ll do it and you’ll have time to do it later.
Life is short and, as discussed in great detail last week, you are going to die. (If you did not read last week’s post, let me fill you in by telling you this: You are going to die. That sums it up. Moving on.) But the thing about Death is that it’s going to come whether you decide to do whatever you want to do right now or wait. Don’t let Death be your only motivator. I mean, you can do whatever the fuck you want. But I’ve never liked the notion that we need to move quickly at all times because Death is grasping at our heels every moment we’re breathing. What message does that send to Life? Like, hey, Life, I’m going to live you but ONLY BECAUSE I’M AFRAID OF DEATH. And what a shitty life it would be to feel afraid all the fucking time. It’s okay to be afraid sometimes. Fear can be a great motivator. Just don’t let it become your life. Life doesn’t want that for you. Life wants you to live. Life wants you to live it as deeply joyful as possible. I know because I asked her. Or him. (By the way, Life is non-binary. I have personified it to illustrate my point. It is a proper noun now. I don’t feel like elaborating on the spiritual implications I have created with these statements. Let’s not fight about it now. We can do it later.) Life is okay with you living it at whatever pace your heart and mind and body and soul are needing. Move as slowly as you want.
Have you ever watched a child tie their own shoes when they’ve just learned this skill and haven’t mastered it yet and they are taking forever and you are about to be late for work but they won’t let you help them because they want to do it themselves and you wish they would hurry the fuck up? Well, I’m here to tell you that kids already know all this shit about moving slowly and doing things in our own time and then we grow up and forget and think everything has to happen so quickly. But the thing is- Life will move quickly on its own. I promise you that. Don’t rush it.
If something is truly important to you, if it makes your heart feel like a tiny earthquake and your eyes widen and your hands flicker- you will do it when you’re ready. And Life will wait for you to be ready. Tell Death to fuck off. Tell Death to wait. We’re out here trying to live, man. We got all kinds of time.
2. You should do things later because sometimes there’s too many things to do right now.
I think the best way to approach this point is to consider a hypothetical tale of self-destruction that just so happens to not be a hypothetical tale at all because it is a summary of my life over the last four months and also a lovely illustration of what happens when we try to do all the fucking things right now even though we’re not ready and refuse to ask for help:
If you decide to sell your house and move somewhere else and get a new job and drink copious amounts of wine and go on a juice cleanse and your relationship fails and you decide to stop eating and you’re applying for grad school and you want to travel to foreign countries and you’re doing all these things at the SAME TIME, you might cave in on yourself like a dying star.
You might show up on the doorsteps of everyone you know, for weeks on end, and get drunk in their homes and talk about all your hopes and dreams and fears and then cry yourself to sleep on their couches. You might think sex with strangers will make you feel better, and it might. But probably not if you are too drunk to process your emotions. You might, somehow, in the process of all this, realize you have been living out of your car even though you have a house and a mortgage and a yard you haven’t mowed in so long that the mailman thinks you don’t live there anymore and sends all your mail back to the post office (true story). And it’s okay and it will get better and I know this because I definitely did do all of these things. And it was very terrible because it was too many things.
Anyway. What I’m getting at is that you should do the following things because they are very simple:
Break shit down.
One thing at a time.
Save things for later.
My therapist eventually strongly suggested that I bring my clothes inside somewhere instead of hoarding my entire wardrobe in the backseat of my car, and stay in one place, and think about my life, like, really think about it and not just get wine-drunk and cry. She said to try it for one week, just to see what would happen, to see if a little stability would help clear my mind. And it did. And then I gave birth to this blog (instead of a baby because thank you sweet baby Jesus in a manger for the Plan B pill, truly the most wonderful modern medical miracle of my generation) and new routines, and the ability to think coherent thoughts and create meaningful, linear timelines for how to accomplish all the things I want to do. And then I started to get some shit done. But I sure as fuck didn’t do it alone.
3. It’s okay to have other people do some fucking things for you.
If there’s something I do well, it’s doing everything at once, panicking, and subsequently spiraling downward into a vortex equally comprised of self-doubt and self-pity wherein I cave in on myself and become immobilized by sadness and fear.
It’s not as bad as it sounds, you guys.
I’m just a very dramatic person.
So, actually, yes, it is as bad as it sounds.
But lucky for me, my friends are hyper aware of my endearing tendency for self-destructive behavior, and are always there to straighten me the fuck out. Usually by telling me to straighten the fuck out but also by offering to help in some manner. And if they offer, I take them up on it. And if they don’t, I ask.
These are not things I am very good it.
I tend to think I’m totally fine until I’m totally not fine and even then I typically don’t accept help on the first go-around. But I eventually come to my senses. And it really does make life so much better. Also, and I know this sounds really fucking lame, but this lil’ practice of receiving help and/or asking for others to do some fucking things for you really helps ya weed out the people who maybe kind of suck and/or suck the life out of you, because they aren’t willing to do shit for other people.
I can think of a couple such assholes right off the top of my head. And I’m not even referring to ex-lovers. I am talking about people who used to be just my regular ol’ pals. People I allowed into my life because I didn’t have expectations for the way other people should treat me, and because of this, it took me an embarrassingly lengthy amount of time to realize how much they suck.
Expectations are important. You should expect the people who love you to do some fucking things for you if they can. This is called loving yourself enough to expect other people to love you the way you deserve. That’s all.
Now go forth and do your Fucking Thing.
Or have someone help you do it.
Either way, it’ll get done.
Sooner or later.
and especially right now,