On Changing My Nature

The men I love are living, breathing red flags, blowing in the wind like goddamn beacons for women like myself who believe, for a million reasons and none at all, that they will be able to love them harder and better and longer than the women from their pasts.

I can’t do it anymore.

I won’t.

You guys, I am so tired.

Here is the goddamn fucking thing:

Women like myself do love their partners harder and better and longer because we love with abandon; we love deeply and simply without expectation; we love others without holding them up to the light.

We don’t look for the cracks in the people we allow into our hearts and minds and bodies; we just push our love into the darkness and hope (and believe) it will find the spaces that need filling and that this will be enough.

Spoiler alert: It will never be enough.

No human on this earth can fill up another human who is not willing to do the same in return. You will run out. You will walk away empty. You are not in love, you are trying to survive what you think is love.

People in love fill each other to the brim with the good parts of themselves.

People in love do not hang the bad parts of themselves out to dry and ask their lover to bring them inside.

Selfish assholes do that.

You see, when selfish assholes set unrealistic expectations for other people in their lives, what they are actually doing is the following:

  1. Creating a problem.
  2. Blaming everyone else for it.
  3. Making it impossible to fix.

I am specifically not going to provide a list of examples for what I consider to be “unrealistic expectations” because if you have made it this far into the post and still have no idea what an example of an unrealistic expectation might be for another human, well, then chances are you are a selfish asshole and while I know it has historically been in my nature to help others, to turn the other cheek, to believe and believe and believe and explain and explain and give chances and blah blah blah…well, the point of this post is to write it down and therefore commit to the fact that I have decided to change my nature.

My nature is changed.

If you do not fill up other people with the good parts of yourself, fuck you.

Love will not deplete you.

This post was not brought about by any one specific human or fight or experience.

It was brought to you by the last thirteen years of my life.

The next thirteen will be terribly, wonderfully, different.

That’s all.

I just wanted to put this to paper.

Love always (unless you’re a selfish asshole),

and especially right now,

Saint Margaret

Just a random picture of me. I don’t actually even like this picture but I am so happy in it that maybe I kind of like this picture. Black Elk Peak summer 2018. It has nothing to do with this post, really. I just needed a picture, and I wanted a happy one.

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