You are Going to Die and Living is Scary

Yes. You heard it here first. Death is imminent and life is terrifying.

Which is why you should do the things you want to do right now.

Contrary to what you may be thinking given the title of this post, the following paragraphs amount to what is in fact a pep talk to myself, and maybe it can be one for you as well.

For me personally, things are going okay but also some things are not going okay at all.

I had an anxiety attack at the dentist the other day and during hot yoga and while sitting in my cube having a light-hearted conversation about local strip clubs with my co-workers. And this is happening because I’m really, really scared because I’m doing a lot of things that scare me, so I must constantly remind myself that it’s way better to do things than not do them even if sometimes I’d rather crawl in a hole than make one more fucking life choice, ya know?

Here is a quick list of things that are currently stressing me out:

I sold my house and it will officially no longer be my house on September 6th.

I have another dentist appointment next week.

I’m moving to Australia in January.

There’s only one strip club in Rapid City, South Dakota and it sucks.

Hot yoga is too fucking hot, sometimes.

A former beau (synonymous with the millennial term bae, that I feel I am too old to utilize now that Time has officially kicked me out of my twenties) really loves repeating the axiom, “If you don’t do it, it doesn’t get done,” at least 23 times a day. To which I invented an alternate saying: If you don’t do it, it gets done later and usually by somebody else.

And the cool thing about being human is that we get to contradict ourselves and each other as much as we want.

We get to change our minds depending on the moment or the facts at hand. And we get to be right, or not, and fix it later. That’s what’s cool about doing things. It’s also what’s cool about doing things later. Let me explain.

1. You should just do the fucking thing now because if you don’t, who the fuck is gonna do it for you?

This is the number one reason for doing the fucking thing. You want to move to Tokyo or get a divorce or dye your hair red? Now is the perfect time. No one else can make those decisions for you. You want to start a blog but are not entirely certain of the purpose or intended outcome? Well, here I am, doing it anyway. Because it makes me feel better and no one else can write it for me and I figure eventually I’ll be able to give a clear answer as to why I’m doing it. Or not. Maybe I’ll just keep writing and writing into the void until one day I get sick of writing or die. Who cares. At least I did it. Not everything in life must be wrought with meaning and not every decision is as important as you might make it out to be- even, and especially, the important ones. There may be more work involved in the process of moving your entire life to Tokyo but the decision itself can be made as easily as whether or not you want to dye your hair red.

Just because some decisions come with more difficult elements does not mean the decision itself is more difficult. Maybe you move to Tokyo and you hate it. So what. Then go back home. Or move somewhere else. The choice is as simple as dying your hair.

Also, on your deathbed, you’re not going to say, “Damn’t- I shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t have been so brave as to restructure my entire existence in an attempt to ensure my own happiness. What a loser.”

Or maybe you WILL say that. In which case, you are kind of a loser because you spent your whole life regretting every decision you ever made. Which amounts to living as if you’re already dead. And you’re not dead. You are here reading this shit and you are very much alive. And you can do whatever you want. And that is life. And it’s great. Which brings me to my next point.

2. You should just do the fucking thing now because you are going to die.

Really, you are going to die. Maybe within the next 11 minutes or maybe within the next 11 years or maybe you’re super rich and have already decided to jump on the cryogenics bandwagon and plan on being brought back to life in the year 3012. Whatever the case may be- you will be dead at some point. And then after that, like a hundred years after your death, no one will even care that much that you lived or died. I know that sounds harsh but seriously you guys, regardless of your religious or spiritual ideologies, it is a fact that our lives our infinitesimal, fleeting little things juxtaposed next to or outside of or near the Universe. So just do the Fucking Thing now. No one cares. And those that do care do so because they love you and want you to be happy anyway and aren’t going to care whether or not you’re successful.

So, unless you have dreams of being the next Mahatma Gandhi or Jesus Christ of Nazareth or something, I can pretty much guarantee that any mistakes you make along the way of doing your Fucking Thing will go almost entirely unnoticed by the majority of the entire Universe.

However, if your dreams do include being the next Mahatma Gandhi or Jesus Christ of Nazareth, then a vast population of our entire earthly world will care deeply that you lived and died. So, watch yourself and live with intention. Which you should be doing anyway. But also, if your plan entails becoming the world’s next spiritual leader, you probably shouldn’t be sitting around reading this fucking blog. Or maybe that’s exactly what you should be doing. Maybe it will inspire you to finally go feed the hungry instead of just posting daily rants on social media about how half the world is starving and no one cares. I like to think that this blog has the potential to be the seed that grows the world’s next spiritual leader. I like to set my sights impossibly high. And you should too. Now. Before you die.

3. You should just do the fucking thing now even if you’re scared because that means you are a human.

I’m not a scientist but I’m fairly certain that fear is an evolutionary trait given to us by our ancestors to keep us alive in dangerous situations like, “I feel fear when I see a giant animal in the woods, such as a bear, so I shouldn’t pet it.” That is a very base line fear. (Disclaimer: You should always be afraid to pet a bear, and if you don’t believe me, you should watch the documentary Grizzly Man to become fully informed on the dangers of bear-petting.)

These base line fears are important because they keep humans alive; these are the fears that ensure you are not a victim of Darwinism and confronting them unnecessarily can get you murdered and, most days, I don’t particularly like the thought of being murdered. But most life decisions will not kill you, such as moving to Tokyo or dying your hair red or quitting your job and starting your own company. Not that doing those things aren’t scary, because they can be and often are; however, any negative consequences that result are most likely not going to kill you, which means you get to live and try again.

What I’m trying to say is- when you really think about it, the worst thing that could logically happen from starting your own company isn’t immediate death and the best thing that could logically happen is that you get to experience your truest, deepest joy whilst running a woman-owned and operated LGBTQ friendly strip club in an old mining town in the Black Hills of South Dakota.

What I’m trying to say is- not petting a bear might improve your chance for survival, but it is not going to bring you profound joy or a sense of purpose.

What I’m trying to say is- being afraid is great. It means you are challenging yourself. It means you possess the intrinsic motivation and internal trust in yourself that allows you to grow and change and fuck up and succeed.

Don’t be afraid to be afraid, you guys. Fear is a necessary component to doing your Fucking Thing.

Shit, this post got too long and too weirdly motivational and cheesy. I’m done writing for now. I’ll write about all the great reasons for why you should just do the Fucking Thing later, later. For now, just do the Fucking Thing now, because no one else is going to do it for you, you are going to die, and you are going to be afraid. And if you do your Fucking Thing now and fuck up your entire life, tune in next week for why you should have done it later.

Love always,

and especially right now,

Saint Margaret


Life Will Teach You

My grandma used to say that. And like all grandmas who have seen some shit- she was right. Although, I would like to mention up front that I’m not always particularly invested in the learning process. Because it’s hard. And scary. And I’m definitely a pussy. Actually, I’m particularly qualified to engage in pussy-like tendencies, for two reasons:

Firstly, I have one.

And I say that with the understanding that this statement could be construed as self-defeating. But here are some of my credentials as a strong, independent woman who don’t need no man but also really, really enjoys bizarre sexual encounters with them and also relationships and also their facial hair, but we’ll get to all that later. (Spoiler alert: Things have not been going well.)

  1. I have read the Vagina Monologues, at minimum, 1700 times.
  2. Marilyn French was my favorite contemporary philosopher from ages 20-23. I know she is considered a novelist. But her words helped me shape my own philosophy of what it means and feels like to be a woman, so whatever. I don’t think she would be mad about it.
  3. I have read Margaret Atwood’s The Edible Woman almost every year since I was fourteen years old, before I even knew what it felt like to be metaphorically swallowed whole by the patriarchy. Which does, in fact, exist. In case you were wondering.
  4. I am able to recognize my own cognitive dissonance when it comes to issues about gender and equality and gender equality and rape and culture and rape culture, which I think is really the only credential needed.

Here’s the fucking thing about all that, though. I say I am a pussy because it is connotated with softness, which some people mistake as weakness, which makes them assholes and also wrong. The world is at times suffocating and also too big and also sharp and confusing but I like my softness and I am going to stay that way, even if it makes some life lessons harder to swallow. And if you have a fluffy, sensitive, kitten soul like myself, you should consider staying that way, too. It’s okay to be a pussy, colloquially known otherwise as being afraid sometimes. Being afraid just means you’re doing something and you might fuck it up but you’re doing it anyway. And that, my friends, is called doing the damn thing. Which is the only way to live.

So I guess at this point my point is that the world needs more of us soft ones. It just doesn’t like to admit it. Because it’s a dick. And I’m going to stop now before this turns into a metaphor about the world being a giant penis and how I am a super hero and will defeat it with my, well, softness. I would really, truly love to embark down that rabbit hole with whoever is reading this, but I have many more important things to say. (If you so choose, and I strongly encourage you to make this choice, please ponder the above story-line in your own time and let me know your thoughts.)

Secondly, the, at times, abrasive word choices I use to describe my experiences are just a cover for the tiny kitten soul inside my sort-of-hot but definitely end-of-my-twenties body. I am a pussy in the truest sense of the word. Although I think I made that pretty clear in the previous paragraphs and probably could have just done away with this second point all together, but structure and consistency are not in my immediate skill-set, neither in my writing nor life in general, so I’m leaving it the way it is. Because it’s easier. And unlike all the stupid things you may have heard throughout your life about the “road less traveled” and how hardship builds character and blah blah blah, I am here to say that sometimes the easy way is the best way because life is hard enough and sometimes I just want to ride my bike on a goddamn gravel path instead of army crawl through the fucking thicket. And that’s okay.

So that’s what I think about some things.

Now, back to my grandma’s words of wisdom. Life will teach you. That it will.

And I guess that is what this blog is about.

Now, typically, I would just leave it at that and jump down the rabbit hole and see if I come out the other side. But I’m getting too old for that shit.

I want purpose.

I need direction.

So I’m going to use the next few paragraphs to figure out why I feel compelled to write this all down.

Let’s give it a go.

This is a blog about standing on the cusp of things, like turning thirty or forty or fifty or twenty, moving away, running away, getting a new job, quitting your job, selling your house, leaving relationships with people you still love, leaving relationships with people you stopped loving, trying to quit smoking, going dry from consuming copious amounts of wine so you can think more clearly about what it feels like to be standing on the cusp of everything life has taught you thus far (maybe that one’s just me), dying, getting sick, putting your dog down, deciding what to wear, whatever and so on and so forth.

It’s about walking through fire and figuring out how the fuck you are going to get to the other side. It’s about creating what is on the other side and how to recognize and utilize all the things you already have that will help you get there. It’s about how to not die on your way.

That still isn’t very clear, but I think we’re getting closer and hopefully eventually everything will be a little clearer. The one thing I’m sure about though is that life will teach us one way or the other, even if we’re total pussies about it.

Love Always,

Saint Margaret